Thanks for Nothing, Technical Support

I made a call to my cable & Internet provider (whose name rhymes with "Garter") this morning because both our TV and Internet are out. She checks into my account and comes back with Oh, you are part of our new program where you won't get TV unless you have a digital box. Which I don't have and don't want.

Would that cause my Internet outage too? I ask.

Well... no, but it seems like your modem isn't getting a signal either. She pretended confidence.

Okay, so my TV is going to be out until I get a box? When was that already delivered prior to today or how soon in the next 20-30 minutes can it be delivered? I said a little forcefully. She started to stammer a bit. I continued. I don't really want a box at all. I'd hate to have to cancel over this. Can we at least fix the Internet?

She started through the script of checking the lights on the modem and so on, which I'd already done. But then I noticed that the line amplifier that was originally installed on the main line coming into the house (which feeds TV, Internet and phone) had slipped out of the outlet. I plugged it back in without telling her and power cycled the modem. This fixed the issue.

Final note: I don't want a cable box. My television has a built in channel tuner which should be good enough for what I need. If they ever DO make me add a box, they will likely lose a customer.