The Night Before Christmas At QU

This one was a pretty good blast from the past. One of my old buddies from college made this up in 1997, a year before they all graduated. I apologize to anyone who gets offended by the quoted poem, especially if they were mentioned in the poem. Anyone who wants me to take it down should say so, just email me.

I doubt many of you will even remember this, but turn back the clock to 1997.  This would have been the last Christmas we spent together at QU.  I was organizing my hard drive and organizing things like the Memories Lists, The Mental Tapper Newsletters, The "Evil" North Campus Newsletters, and a variety of other goofy stuff I have from our college days.  In any case, I came across a directory I didn't even knew existed and I found a poem I'd written December 5, 1997.  I believe I even read it at Dave's Christmas party that year, so some of you may remember it.

The Night Before Christmas At QU

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the dorm
Maintenance fucked up the heater, and no one was warm;
The place was ice-cold, and foggy with pot,
Despite the complaints, Amy didn’t do squat.

JB was drinking by his fireplace with haste,
And knowing JB, not a drop goes to waste.
Next to JB, sat a man who was flaccid,
Sure enough it was Gates, having fun droppin’ acid.

The Plaid Brothers were nestled all snug in each bed,
Chardy was giving Randy good head;
Schulzee was drinking, and making a pun,
He also decided to bang Angie for fun.

Outside the door, I thought it was mamma,
He wore his hair long and rode on a llama;
This guy was nothing, but a magnified cum-stain,
Yes, poor little Winget, strung out on Accutane.

When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
Darren was eating and holding his bladder;
Away from the window he ran with a flash,
So no one would see him smoking his hash.

Gary was at North using toys on poor Mel,
Cock rings and dildos make him feel swell;
When what to his wondering eyes would appear,
But a fat, Chinese kid who we all thought was queer.

After the chink, followed a gaggle of queens,
One of them shouted, “I brought the beans!”
This odd little bunk, who had all but a sink,
Brought Oreos for Santa, and milk to drink!

Then entered the abominable snowman, covered with hair,
It was Jay, armed with a shovel and bullshit to spare;
Another one entered and the party guests shook,
But then we all realized this mass was named Book.

Then there it was, a pudgy guy in a sleigh,
I knew in a moment, I knew it was Dave;
As reindeer pulled it, he shouted with scorn,
And read through magazines, mostly all porn.

He read “Flasher” and “Lap Dancer” and “Prancer” and “Hot Vixen,”
And “Cum-it” and “Cupid” and “Dil-Donner” and “Clitzen;”
In front of the bathroom, Gary stood in the hall,
He pushed drunken Darren into a thermometer on the wall.

Schaefer was eating a 20 pound roast,
While Jonesy was chanting, “One piece of toast;”
A freak show was there and with Dave did she flirt,
She spoke of cheese sandwiches and a hair shirt.

Then armed with a knife, a man buttered the door,
First entered his girlfriend, a bitchy fat whore,
Buttering again, and assisted by Maul,
A fat man squeezed in, and we saw it was Paul!

And then in a twinkling we heard on the roof,
A dancing buffoon, a blundering goof;
A drunken old soul who we did believe,
To be our nutty pal, that goof we call Steve.

Farrby was mackin’, and slinging the lines,
No one would oblige him, except for the swines.
But then there was silence, except for some cryin’
Nobody knew, but some chick slapped Bryan.

The cryin’ was muted by the playing of spoons,
Then thumped some bass, and entered Doc Tunes!
He was bumpin’ and thumpin’ and calling Dave “Dawg”
Then out came the pen to write in the log.

Now back to Dave who was dressed in all fur,
He got really pissed at each stupid cur;
A bundle of porn on his back in a sack,
His housemate lit up a pipe full of crack.

Huber and Sarah talked over vermouth,
But Huber couldn’t handle the stench of that tooth;
Orrhe and Lisa both danced totally nude,
At Dave’s little party, they set the mood.

The egg nog got spiked by a jolly old fella,
All that we know, is he sported Gonnella;
I didn’t hear much, but I heard what I could,
I swear that the guy said “These Hi-Ho’s are good!”

Ed unexpectedly drank wine by the gallon,
All while being insulted, by a bitchy Italian.
Ed didn’t know, but he was taped in his room,
And Mama Luigi sounded off like a bassoon!

Fr. Eugene came in, followed by his chief,
We were amazed, when we saw that it was our Queef;
Klimczak emerged and then with a bow,
Introduced his new woman, a big old fat cow.

Beav sprang to his sleigh after spreading some cheer,
Everyone applauded and hoisted a beer;
As Beav flew away and out of the ‘hood,
Nat on the lawn shouted, “Christmas, Very Good.”