So what's really happening in my life lately? It's about time I get everyone caught up. I've been writing about mostly mundane stuff lately and on the one hand this was avoidance but on the other hand this was a smoke screen. It's high time now to throw back the curtain! After all, I have a big announcement... So pay attention, if you please.
After my son Lucas passed away, I despaired quite a bit as anyone would expect. I came out of it little by little and perhaps that surprises some people. I still have bad days of course, some of them very bad. But thanks to my wife, my two girls, my family and most of all by the grace of God I have way too many reasons to go on living. Most of all, I know that I will see my son again some day. I could and should talk more about this experience, because I know it's important. However, that's not my goal today.
As time passed, Lisa and I began to broach the subject with each other of having another baby. This was difficult on multiple levels. There's the emotional understanding that we could not and would not be replacing something that had been lost. Lucas was always and will always be our only true perfect child. There was a time interval too because we wanted to wait long enough to fully grieve but we didn't want to be trying to have children past the age of 35.
Heavy on our minds and hearts was the fact that at Lucas' birth, Lisa had gone through a tubal ligation, making pregnancy improbable without expensive surgery. But my wife is an excellent planner and we found a way to make that surgery happen.
The surgery in November of 2007 went well enough or so it seemed, albeit they were only able to repair the one side. We were hopeful at first, but months went by with no luck. We had a follow-up appointment with dye tests and x-rays and so on and things didn't look as good as the doctors had hoped. Scar tissue or some other blockage was probably in the way. The risk of an ectopic pregnancy was high. We were referred to another doctor. We come to find out this doctor's specialty is in vitro fertilization which is beyond all sorts of expensive. Unless we won the lottery, it wasn't going to happen.
So, we abandoned that as an alternative. There was still a little hope in us that the tests were wrong or the scar tissue would heal or something else would happen. Months went by. I know that we probably sound pretty spoiled to some ears. After all, some couples try for years without getting pregnant and here we were giving up after such a short time. Please understand that we'd never had trouble getting pregnant before, so this was a hard blow.
It seemed that we were still mourning the loss of Lucas... and then we have to mourn the loss of any future hope of having more children. And the crux of it was that we had requested the tubal in the first place. It's not like we could have known what would happen, what might happen. The guilt and blame sat there anyway.
We prayed a lot and that is the most helpful. We are still going through counseling and that has been very helpful. Our families have been so helpful. Several weeks ago, during prayer time at church, I asked the congregation to pray for Lisa and I as we come to grips with the likelihood that there would be no more babies in our lives. Many of the nice old ladies in church that day came up to me with hopeful stories of their life and how long they waited for miracle children they thought would never come. This, in a way, was helpful too. Surrounded by all this helpfulness and people trying to give me hope, I still had decided that in this lifetime it was not in the cards for us. There are three answers to prayer; "yes", "no", and "wait". Sometimes when you pray to the Lord for what you want, the answer is still "no" and as His children we have to find a way to deal with that (hopefully, while seeking His help).
I think I'd almost come to grips with it. I'd taken a long hard look at our family of four and decided that it was so very perfect just the way it was. My wife and I and our two girls and the memories of Lucas would be all that we ever really needed. With the correct perspective, I became humble and thankful for the gifts that I have. And I was just about content.
Surprise, Here Comes the Part About "Mysterious Ways"
Let's consult the Ultrasound, shall we?
So, the great news is that the one tube works! The other great news is that she is just about 10 weeks pregnant! Furthermore, the baby is in the right place and already has a steady heartbeat. We aren't out of the woods yet, as Lisa has had one previous miscarriage before getting pregnant with Lucas. But based on our first ultrasound, when they saw the heartbeat on the monitor (and man, they can zoom in pretty close these days) the chances of that are extremely low.
I should apologize that it took this long to spread the news. We've known since the first week of May. I had to wait until all the really close family was told and today when we told the folks at church. I'm so glad none of the nice older ladies came up to me afterwords with an 'I-told-ya-so.' I certainly deserve it.
More importantly, though I wasn't patient enough to wait for my prayers to be answered, they were answered anyway. Perhaps it's right that today's sermon was about patience, among other fruits of the spirit. I should have known better.
This lesson I'm learning will come with more diaper changes and late night feedings. At this point, I don't care if it's a boy or girl, I just want a healthy baby! For those who've been praying for us already, please don't stop now! Obviously, you have to know now that it works...
Goodnight! And God Bless!